We Don’t Have the Self-Awareness We Think We Do: How to Develop It
What this life skill is about, and why you need it.
Self-awareness is being talked about everywhere these days.
In her books, Michelle Obama talks about self-awareness as a core essential skill.
Glennon Doyle’s podcast We Can Do Hard Things is nothing but the expression of self-awareness by the three co-hosts. They are role models of self-inquiry.
In “The Art of Memoir,” author Mary Karr states that memoir is all about voice. Karr states that those who have little self-awareness can’t easily develop their voice as a writer. We can conclude that those with little or no self-awareness can’t write a compelling memoir. Without self-awareness, there is too little reflection, vulnerability, or truth-telling and therefore, no story of interest.
In Kristin Neff’s book Self Compassion, there’s a fantastic section in chapter two about how we perceive ourselves as better than we are. She explains that the distortions are because we all want to be safe.
Carl Jung said, “What we do not bring into consciousness will come to us as fate.”
Then there’s that popular quote from the Gospel of Thomas, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
We can only bring forth what is within us once we know what it is.
The field of mind-body healing is based on nervous system regulation, which is ultimately about feeling safe in the world. Therefore self-awareness is the foundation of the mind-body healing process.
It’s on the minds of many today, but valuing self-knowledge goes way back.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” -Aristotle
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.” -Lao Tzu
How Do We Define Self-Awareness?
It is the degree to which we understand ourselves on different levels and from different angles. It’s our ability to recognize our strengths and weaknesses and understand the motivations behind our behavior.
Self-awareness is the degree of familiarity we have with our psychological/emotional state — how in touch we are with what we are feeling at any given moment. It’s our personality traits that we have identified and have taken the time to understand.
Are We Self-Aware?
According to Dr. Eurich, there are two types of people:
- Those who think they are self-aware.
- Those who actually are self-aware.
The Surprising Reality
Dr. Eurich’s research found that 95% of people think they are self-aware, yet only 10–15% of us are truly self-aware.
I assumed self-awareness was somewhat rare but these findings are shocking. They are depressing but explain a lot about the state of the world.
“Most people believe they’re above average on every socially desirable characteristic.” Laughter erupted when she said, “The least competent people are the most confident about their abilities and performance.”
— Dr. Tasha Eurich
We’re Doing Self-Reflection Wrong
Dr. Tasha Eurich tells us that asking “why” is the wrong way to self-reflect. She states that it makes us depressed, over-confident, and wrong and therefore doesn’t lead to self-awareness. Asking why keeps us ruminating and making up answers if we can’t find them.
She claims that the right way to self-reflect is to ask, “What”
“What” posed in a positive light (as in “What can I do?”) moves us forward and leads to increased awareness.
Self-Aware People Are Happier and Their Children Are Healthier
Dr. Eurich also states, “Beyond the workplace, (self-aware people) are generally happier in their relationships and tend to raise less narcissistic children.”
Fewer narcissists in the world sounds good to me. I’ll even go as far as to say more self-awareness worldwide is the key to a more peaceful world and the survival of humankind.
Why Do So Many Lack Self-Awareness?
In general, our society doesn’t value self-knowledge and we therefore don’t teach children how to develop it. Our young people don’t know how or why to strengthen their skills of self-inquiry and observation.
As with many other life skills, there aren’t enough adults qualified to teach our youth how to become self-aware. An instructor needs to know how to coach students as they practice specific skills and that’s only possible if the instructor has those skills.
The self-development field includes modalities that can help increase self-awareness but there are numerous perspectives and definitions.
The practice of meditation is a good start for learning to be in the present moment and to observe. But I believe we also need to become familiar with the range of personality traits and psychological profiles.
The Importance of Self-Awareness for Effective Communication
Self-awareness is essential for direct and compassionate communication.
Using an effective communication formula can increase self-awareness and help us get along better with others. Understanding our motives can help us identify unnecessary judgment in our messages to others.
A neutral message is a more effective message and can still contain the essential components that we need to express. Messages free of judgment will be received more readily and will elicit the positive response that you are seeking.
Why Work on Self-Awareness?
Many people aren’t motivated to become more self-aware, because they don’t know why they should. Here are the reasons you’ll want to.
Research shows that those who are self-aware:
- are more fulfilled
- have stronger relationships
- are more creative
- are more authentically confident
- are better communicators
- are less likely to lie, cheat, or steal
- perform better at work and are more promotable
- are more effective leaders with more profitable companies
Not for the Meek But the Path to Wisdom and Happiness
Some avoid the path of increased self-awareness because it requires courage and persistence — the willingness to be honest and vulnerable.
For some, it’s not difficult. And for others, it’s the last thing they wish to do. We must be open-minded and willing to take an honest look at ourselves. It can be daunting to face the reality of who we are and how others experience us, but it’s profoundly rewarding.
Why is It Important?
Self-awareness is a foundational skill that lays the groundwork for developing other essential adult life skills.
Self-awareness helps us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. That’s where boundaries come in. Without some level of self-awareness, it can be difficult to establish personal boundaries.
We Need Self-Awareness for:
- communicating effectively with others
- being assertive
- establishing good boundaries
- identifying and managing our emotions
- handling anger appropriately
- resolving conflicts with others
The four primary relational life skills of self-awareness, assertiveness, boundaries, and emotional regulation are interdependent and intertwined to such a degree that they are almost inseparable.
That’s good news. It’s difficult to gain proficiency in assertiveness without self-awareness or improving your boundaries, yet the process of learning and practicing assertiveness will in itself increase the other two skills.
Without self-awareness, it can be difficult to identify our emotions — the specific feelings we have at any given moment. If we aren’t sure what we are feeling it will likely be a challenge to manage our emotions. That uncertainty and inability to recognize our triggers leaves us vulnerable to engaging in passive-aggressive communication.
Unfortunately, passive-aggressive responses have almost become the norm in our society. It’s so prevalent that almost all of us engage in it to some degree without knowing it. Increasing our awareness will help us catch ourselves and when we do, hopefully, we’ll choose to communicate more directly and without the hurtful barbs.
Examples of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is
- When we have an uncomfortable interaction with a family member or friend and later realize that something they said triggered us and we reacted in a way that was inappropriate or unkind.
- When we don’t want to go to a party and realize too late that we could have declined the invitation.
- When we become aware of our knee-jerk reaction of behaving aggressively when we feel hurt by others.
- When we realize that we never say no to the demands of certain family members and friends (even when we want to).
- When we realize that we need to communicate something to a co-worker but have no idea about how to do it.
- When we realize that one of our personality traits can rub people the wrong way.
How to Become More Self-Aware
Reading this far might be enough to get you started. The key is to start thinking about it. You can begin self-reflection at any time.
Some will benefit from having a life coach or a therapist. Doing formal work with a professional is not necessary but can facilitate the process.
There are many types of “work” that you can do. Here are a few:
- The Work of Byron Katie
- Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication
- 12-Step Recovery Programs are one of the most effective processes for gaining self-awareness. That’s because the foundation of recovery programs is about taking responsibility for our behavior. It is about acknowledging how we have wronged others. It’s about cleaning up the messes we created when we were acting out in our addiction — even the (supposedly) less destructive addictions like over-eating, workaholism, and other compulsive behaviors. Working the 12 steps requires deep self-reflection, complete honesty, admitting the ways we’ve hurt others, and a willingness to make amends. None of that can happen without significant self-awareness, and doing so is the difference between abstinence and recovery. Abstinence is simply putting down the addictive substance, but recovery is about also cleaning up the consequences of our past behavior and doing our best to make things right. That’s what makes it a spiritual program. And that’s why those who merely stop imbibing often fall into the category of “dry drunk.”
Self-Awareness for Healing Emotional Wounds
On Glennon Doyle’s November 10, 2022 podcast, Alex Elle explains the importance of self-awareness when attempting to heal emotional wounds from the past. As we get older more information surfaces and reveals unfinished business that shows us what needs healing.
Here’s Alex Elle’s response, when Glennon asked about self-awareness.
(paraphrased) “When we heal ourselves we heal our lineage. When we heal ourselves, we heal each other. We have to look at looking at our stuff as an act of community service. When we don’t address what we need to heal, it perpetuates this cycle of ignoring things hoping they are going to go away, but they’re not. Then we pass that on to our children, our spouses and our relationships in our workplace. If we continue to ignore ourselves we’re not able to see other people.”
The author of Atomic Habits explains the need for self-awareness when we are trying to establish better habits.
Self-Awareness and ADHD
The capacity for self-awareness is lower for those with extreme ADHD.
Listen to Alie Ward’s February 22, 2023 podcast episode of Ologies featuring ADHD expert Dr. Russell Barkley.
Self-Awareness and Boundaries
When we start to increase our self-awareness, we might decide to develop policies and procedures for our personal lives to help guide our decisions. Those policies can also help us establish good boundaries. (a link to “Your Personal Policies Can Help You with Boundaries” will be added once it’s published)
The Self-Aware Leader
Change Leadership: The Role of Emotional Intelligence:
“This article presents the role of emotional intelligence in leading change in an organization. Specifically, the article highlights the different perspectives of emotional intelligence, and the related five components — self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation, empathy, and social skill.”
Effective leadership and good decision-making require self-awareness. As Dr. Eurich explains, great leaders make good decisions because their introspection asks “what” rather than “why.” They ask “What can I do to move forward?” for themselves and their team or organization.
Becoming self-aware is about taking a look under the hood, but it also requires the ability to accept what we find. It requires the willingness to reflect on our personality traits and behavior patterns and to take full responsibility for them.
Are you up for it?
Christine Green coaches individuals and business professionals, helping
them increase self-awareness and improve relational skills like
assetiveness and boundaries.
