The Myth of Conflict Avoidance
Relationships suffer when unavoidable differing opinions or hurts are not acknowledged or discussed.
I often hear friends and colleagues mention that they don’t like conflict. They state without hesitation that they are “conflict-avoidant.”
What I hear isn’t an avoidance of conflict, but a lack of acknowledgment of a differing opinion, or keeping their true feelings to themselves — both of which result in the avoidance of working out a resolution. It’s an avoidance of the kind of communication that can result in an agreement. It’s a missed opportunity to become aware of another person’s disappointment or anger.
We Can’t Avoid Conflict as Long as There’s More Than One of Us
We each have different needs, opinions, and desires. If there is more than one person on the planet there will be disagreements and hurt feelings.
If there is no conflict in a household or organization, someone is not getting their needs met. Someone is keeping quiet and letting others have their way. It’s almost always the same person/people who don’t speak up.
Sometimes it’s dangerous to speak our mind but mostly those who say they are conflict-avoidant, have chosen passivity.
What About Peace and Harmony?
Peacefulness is not about everyone being in agreement. It’s about feeling comfortable with differing opinions and knowing how to resolve conflicts. Holding a vision of peace doesn’t bring it about.
We don’t need to agree. We don’t need to be united.
We just need to learn how to get along.
Getting along with others is not easy, especially if we value diversity.
Scientists explain that diversity is essential for healthy biological evolution. It’s also what makes life interesting and supports innovation and creativity.
The only problem is that diversity of culture and thought means a wider range of perspectives, more differences, and, therefore, a greater potential for conflict.
But conflict is never the problem.
The problem is our inability to resolve our differences and our insufficient interest in the needs of others. Often underneath that is a dualistic worldview — a misguided belief that there can only be one winner. The us or them paradigm.
This inability to work things out along with a win/lose belief system is as destructive for nations as it is for couples and friendships.
Passivity is an Obstacle to Resolving Conflicts and Maintaining Satisfying Relationships
Pretending something is not an issue, and feigning agreement with people close to you is not conducive to a satisfying relationship.
Do you keep your opinions to yourself? Steering clear of a disagreement might help you feel safe. Maybe you don’t want to rock the boat, but if you always let others have their way, you’ll likely not get your needs met, and there’s no option for resolving what, to you, is a conflict.
When we don’t speak up, our hearts get broken as we acquiesce again and again. We carry the weight of our grief but we hold it tightly inside.
Withholding your truth will negatively impact your relationships because you are taking on the conflict alone. You carry the conflict burden, while the other person is unaware there’s a problem.
Unexpressed emotions are excellent fuel for physical ailments and chronic pain. Almost everyone I know who suffers from chronic physical issues has difficulty asserting themselves. Is it any surprise that twice as many women have autoimmune diseases compared to men?
Unexpressed Emotions and Our Nervous System
This is a bit of an aside but is important related information. Our brain judges our emotions and when we have ones that it deems unacceptable, our nervous system helps us cope by suppressing them. It accomplishes this by creating physical symptoms. It thinks it is protecting us, using physical pain as a distraction to keep certain emotions from surfacing.
If this is new to you it probably sounds wacky, but in the last 20 years mind-body practitioners, brain scientists, and neuroplasticity researchers have made profound discoveries.
Many people have healed from chronic pain and disease symptoms using techniques for expressing untapped emotions and exercises for toning the vagus nerve. If you’ve heard of nervous system regulation, this is part of it.
Dr. John Sarno was a pioneer in the field of mind-body medicine. He helped millions find relief from chronic pain, using a non-invasive, drug-free approach.
Those on the leading edge of this approach today include Nicole Sachs, Karden Rabin and Jennifer Mann, Allan Gordon, Dr. David Schechter, and Dr. Howard Schubiner.
The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs podcast features powerful accounts of healing told by those who’ve used her process.
The Best Kept Secret: Assertiveness Reduces Conflicts
When you develop your assertiveness skills and practice good boundaries, you will experience fewer conflicts — not because you ignore them but because you communicate directly and authentically. You will express your needs yet speak with compassion. The result is that what in the past would have been a conflict doesn’t come up because you’re no longer hiding your preferences. Issues that still exist often get resolved while they are still small. Your assertive expression lets others know what you want and that allows them to accept your wish or initiate a discussion.
The bottom line is that when you hone your communication skills by learning assertiveness, strengthening your boundaries, and developing self-awareness, you will face fewer conflicts.
See my in-depth article: Conflict Resolution: Comprehensive Guide for Conscious Individuals & Organizations
Some examples of what we call conflict avoidance are:
- Not acknowledging a disagreement.
- Steering away from or refusing to discuss a touchy subject.
- Withdrawing or clamming up when a difference of opinion arises.
- Not expressing our true feelings.
- Going along with what others want. (“go along to get along”)
- Always being agreeable in an effort to be “nice.”
- Behaving passively or submissively— not speaking up for ourselves.
So-called conflict avoidance doesn’t avoid anything but denies the reality of discord and the impact of ignoring it.
The behavior we term “conflict avoidance” is the denial of our needs, which can lead to people-pleasing behavior, repression of our emotions, and withholding of our opinions, requests, and desires.
You might convince yourself that you can avoid conflicts and don’t mind going along with what others want, but what you won’t avoid is the anger and resentment that will build and fester inside you.
Some people pull it off for decades — they pride themselves in being a “giver” and go out of their way to always be “nice.” But denying our needs catches up to us eventually in one way or another.
Sometimes we are a pressure cooker that blows up now and then to let off steam. But flying off the handle is not effective and hurts those around us.
Handling Conflict Can Be Done Without Aggression or Intensity
One of the reasons many of us wish to avoid conflict is that we believe that our only choice other than passively going along is to engage in an intense raised-voice argument. If I believed that was my only choice, I would hesitate to speak up as well.
The truth is that an all-out verbal brawl isn’t the only (and certainly not the most effective) way to work out disagreements. The calmer option, does, however, require communication skills. The good news is that those skills can be learned or improved. The core skills needed for conflict resolution are assertiveness, good boundaries, and self-awareness.
Is Conflict Avoidance Ever a Good Choice?
There are situations where it’s wise to steer clear of a topic or avoid a discussion— like with an abusive family member, your boss, or with your uncle over Thanksgiving dinner.
Most of us need to be careful about what we express in the workplace because organizations are not democracies. Corporations have rigid hierarchies of authority. Even nonprofits are usually not a place where we can safely disagree with the boss.
We can be assertive in the workplace but it’s best to choose those moments carefully. Here are more of my thoughts about Workplace Assertiveness.
Christine Green is a Skills Coach who helps clients learn assertive
communication and how to maintain the boundaries needed to express
themselves effectively to minimize and resolve conflicts.
