How to Grow Your Own Authoritarian-Compliant Adults
Certain practices long-accepted as harmless train children to be susceptible to autocratic rule (and other abuse)
Over 30 years ago when I began my study of psychology, the world-renowned psychologist, Alice Miller came to my attention. Her decades of work as a psychoanalyst offered intriguing theories that revealed the underlying cause of the emotional disturbances and mental illness of her patients, as well as what was required for their healing.
I read several of her books, but the one with a story that is etched in my brain and has haunted me for all these years is her fifth book, Banished Knowledge: Facing Childhood Injuries
The book opens with Miller describing a Saint Nicholas Celebration in Germany where mothers brought their young ones to meet the jolly man in the red suit and partake in an annual ritual.
As is the tradition to this day, the children met the legendary Saint Nicholas (known in the United States as Santa Claus) to discuss their wishes for the gifts he would bring on Christmas Eve.
However, for the annual ritual that Miller described in her book, the mothers had provided the saint with insider information about the wrongdoings of their child. St. Nick then fed back that information to the child under the pretense that he “knew” their behavior.
We interrupt this disturbing story for a joyous American Christmas song:
“He sees you when you’re sleeping
And he knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to townHe’s making a list,
He’s checking it twice,
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice…”- “Santa Clause is Coming to Town”
Back to Alice Miller’s story in Chapter One
We left off at the part of the story where after St. Nick had properly shamed the child with information he’d been given about their “naughty” behavior, he then “praised” the child in a manipulative gaslighting manner with an underlying message conveying that a “good little girl” has very few needs and helps her mother take care of her baby brother.
And for an even younger little boy, St. Nick shamed him about still using a pacifier.
Miller’s book states,
“No one noticed the cruelty, no one saw the stricken faces…no one noticed that none of the children smiled spontaneously, that they all looked petrified with fear. No one noticed that what was actually being enacted was a vicious power play at the expense of the children.”
She continued, explaining that each of the children
“wanted to please Saint Nicholas, wanted to hear something nice”…but first “had to listen to the bad things they had done.”
“The reprimand engendered fear and that the children had to repress the fear to retain pleasant memories of the occasion — which was exactly what the parents expected of them.
Although the unconscious can never rid itself of the certainty that even the small child is wicked, the child’s consciousness will cling for decades to the beautiful version of that celebration.”
Gaslighting at its Finest
Mothers even convinced themselves that this was a happy occasion which then blinded them to their children’s suffering.
These same mothers would use St. Nick to threaten and manipulate their children for the next 364 days, believing it was harmless.
Most astounding for Miller was watching Saint Nicholas convey his strongest message to the children — that it was most virtuous to learn to play by themselves and that being “good” meant not needing anything from their mother.
This disguised holiday “celebration” served to quell the natural needs of young children and forced them to repress their fear, their anger, and likely many other emotions.
That repression along with the collusion of other mothers and the ongoing tradition trained generations to obediently respond to an authoritarian — to be compliant and to keep their feelings repressed.
“The repression of our suffering destroys our empathy for the suffering of others.” -Alice Miller
I believe this observation by Alice Miller is one of the most important and profound discoveries of the 20th century.
There’s a growing worldwide epidemic of people with little or no empathy. I believe that Alice Miller’s explanation is the most plausible.
The story illustrates how a seemingly harmless tradition can create a society of compliant adults inclined to authoritarian rule.
And it answers the question that so many of us in the U.S. have been asking:
“Why are so many Americans attracted to, obsessed with, and willing to defend the tyrant Donald Trump?”
Here’s an excerpt from the Wikipedia page on Alice Miller:
“Miller proposed that traumatic childrearing produced heroin addict Christiane F., serial killer of children Jürgen Bartsch, and dictator Adolf Hitler. Children learn to accept their parents’ abusive behaviour against themselves as being “for their own good.” In the case of Hitler, it led to displacement against the Jews and other minority groups.
For Miller, the traditional pedagogic process was manipulative, resulting in grown-up adults deferring excessively to authorities, even to tyrannical leaders or dictators, like Hitler.”
Today is November 21, 2020. I wrote a good portion of this essay over a year ago. At that time we had already witnessed the cruel policy of separating children from their parents at the southern border (a practice that studies have now identified as torture of those children).
A year ago we didn’t know the degree to which the 45th president would abuse his power and increase his cruelty. He had yet to engage in his most extreme behavior — attacking and abducting peaceful protestors by unidentifiable secret police, his failure to handle a deadly pandemic, his indifference to the deaths of over 225,000 Americans, many of which could have been prevented.
His cruel policies, if not criminal, are certainly unethical, anti-democratic, and destructive to our democracy and to the American people.
And yes, destructive to the very people who now say they are willing to die for him. Ironically and so tragically, many of them are dying after he’s convinced them to not wear a facemask — some of whom on their deathbed from the deadly virus, screamed at their healthcare workers that it’s a hoax.
In my first draft, referring to Alice Miller’s tale I stated, “I find this a powerful reminder of how a Hitler could come into power without strong resistance.”
Now a year later, I find that story to be a powerful reminder of how a Donald Trump can gain power without strong resistance.
He did so over time, attracting compliant people who respect and protect an authoritarian.
He did so with the help of many in the Republican party, while the rest of the GOP “looked the other way” or perhaps were simply guilty the same way the mothers in the story were guilty…of either denying what was happening or believing it to be harmless. In either scenario, the degree of self-interest can’t be denied. Some may simply be afraid to go against him.
Autocratic Parents, Bosses, and Partners
There’s far more to say on the topic of how society trains us to be compliant and why so many of us are susceptible to the gaslighting of authoritarian-type figures. But I’ll simply leave you with informative resources that will help you protect yourself.
Recognizing and Protecting Against Gaslighting
- One of my essays Gaslighting Goddess: ‘Big Little Lies’ Character Mary Louise Wright (it includes links to articles that explain gaslighting)
- A series of articles on Gaslighting
Protecting Yourself By Strengthening Your Personal Boundaries
- My essay on Strengthening Personal Boundaries (it includes links to additional resources about boundaries)
Understanding Authoritarianism
- I wrote an essay in July 2019 about Abusers & Authoritarians but I am currently rewriting it. I will link it here once it’s published.
Let’s teach our children to:
- Think for themselves
- Be respectful but not automatically compliant
- Recognize when to question authority and have the courage to do so
- Develop solid personal boundaries that will help keep them safe physically, emotionally, intellectually, and sexually.
Christine coaches people to develop the skills mentioned above that help us protect ourselves from the gaslighting, manipulation and the demand of compliance from an authoritarian. Read Christine's skills-building essays on boundary strengthening, conflict resolution, gaslighting and decision making.