Assertiveness: The Unsung Hero of All Relationships & a Good Life
A misunderstood life skill that can make you happier.
You’ve likely heard that assertiveness is a “communication skill.”
Cue the eye-rolling. Then keep reading.
There’s More to it Than You Think
Assertiveness is an approach to interaction and self-expression that is direct and clear. Sadly it’s also somewhat rare. In its purest form, assertiveness is a communication style of simplicity that is free of negative energy.
Assertive communication can be firm and truthful but is not unkind. Its goal is clarity and it accomplishes that by not beating around the bush, and not holding back on what needs to be said, yet choosing words wisely and responsibly to present a complete message.
As a relational skill, Assertiveness is the victim of misunderstanding just as Anger is as an emotion.
Unfortunately, many of us have a limited understanding of assertiveness. We have no training and few role models. Even when we are in the presence of a good role model, we often don’t recognize assertiveness in a way that we can name. We likely don’t know that we are observing someone being assertive, or modeling the related skill of good boundaries (the two go hand in hand). We just know that we admire that person. The closest we come to identifying what we’ve witnessed is that we think of them as someone who always acts like a grownup. Imagine that!
Conversely, when we cross paths with someone without assertiveness skills, if they behave aggressively, we likely think they’re an asshole. Or if we see someone who lets others walk all over them, we think they’re a wimp.
With so little knowledge as well as the common misunderstandings, it’s difficult to appreciate the value of assertiveness skills.
But I’m here to tell you…
Assertiveness is the Most Important of the Relational Skills.
Most relational skills are inter-dependent and augment each other. Assertiveness pairs nicely with Self-Awareness, Conscious Anger, Emotional Self-Management, Personal Boundaries, and Conflict Resolution.
When we increase our skill level with one we improve in the others. For example, working on strengthening our emotional boundaries will help us become more assertive. Learning better emotional self-management will help us with conflict resolution (and to have fewer conflicts).
The links above lead to my essays that offer an in-depth exploration of each of these skills.
Learning to be assertive means learning how to express ourselves:
- more directly, but with tact and compassion
- more authentically as we increase our self-awareness
- more honestly as we are kind but straightforward
- with more confidently as we experience positive results
- more calmly when we discover that simple and direct is powerful
With assertiveness skills, we speak up firmly but calmly when we need to express something to another person. We aren’t trapped in the extreme of our knee-jerk aggressive reaction or our passive, glossing-over inaction.
Assertiveness is Never Aggression
While it’s a common misconception, the truth is that it’s not possible to be “too assertive.” Aggression is not a more extreme version of assertiveness. If you behave aggressively, being hostile and offensive, you are not being assertive — you’re being aggressive. The two terms are often mistakenly used interchangeably but they couldn’t be more different.
For some, it’s easier to understand assertiveness by contrasting it to the two other ends of the communication continuum. Passivity at one end and aggression at the other.
Passivity — — — — — Assertiveness — — — — — Aggression
It’s not exactly a continuum but close enough for the purposes of understanding the three modes of behavior.
Our emotional pendulum can get stuck at one end or the other. It can also swing from one end to the other — from Passive to Aggressive or from Aggressive to Passive. Neither of those behaviors works well at home or on the job. They usually leave us feeling frustrated and powerless because they are ineffective and unsustainable.
Learning Assertiveness Skills Can Help with Your Anger Issues
“No way! I need to be LESS assertive!”
No, you don’t.
You need to be less aggressive. As explained earlier, the two are significantly different.
When our default response to our feelings of anger is to behave aggressively that’s because we are stuck at that end of the communication continuum. It’s our knee-jerk reaction because that was modeled by some of the adults around us when we were young or possible because we experienced frustration at a young age and had no means of getting certain needs met.
When we are stuck in the aggression habit, learning assertiveness skills is the best remedy. When we’ve only known how to react with aggression we struggle to moderate our anger and automatically go to hostility.
Chronic aggressive reactions tend to come from those who experience themselves as victims — those who blame others for all the things that they find irritating. Those who operate in this manner lack confidence and maturity.
Learning assertiveness not only helps us manage our aggressive reactions but also helps us feel more in control and therefore more confident. As we refine our assertiveness skills and practice communicating more authentically we take more responsibility for ourselves and no longer blame others or act like a victim.
Let’s explore each emotional mode.
Passivity
Most of us have a sense of the meaning of passivity. It’s when we keep silent, don’t express our needs or preferences. Those who are passive often “go along to get along,” and while it may seem that they are a “nice” person, and easy to get along with, passivity is not a recommended behavioral mode. It’s unhealthy for the passive person and leaves them vulnerable to abuse.
Passivity is learned behavior. It is programmed into women and members of marginalized communities. Some white men operate in the passive mode for a variety of reasons — usually because they had one or more adults in their early life who displayed strong dominant behavior and demanded compliance.
Choosing not to act or speak up in certain situations is not passivity if it is a choice. Those who learn assertiveness will have that choice.
Those who live in the world of passivity almost always lack confidence — that’s why they are passive and often submissive as well.
Without confidence, it’s difficult to lead a satisfying life. If we are passive most of the time and have little confidence we will rarely get our needs met. And when we rarely get our needs met we are unhappy (even if we put on a happy face to the world).
The other important aspect is that those who are passive are easy targets for those who are aggressive. The stereotype that indeed is common is the passive woman involved with the aggressive man. Boundaries play a key role. Easily permeated boundaries are a hallmark of passivity.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that a passive person never has boundaries of sufficient strength. Weak personal boundaries are part of the passivity profile.
The frailty includes weakness in emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, and intellectual boundaries. Those weak boundaries can be easily exploited by dominant or narcissistic people.
These deficiencies range from mild to extreme in their degree.
Aggression
Most of us have a clear sense of aggression — we know exactly what it looks like. And no one on the planet has escaped being a victim of it at one time or another. If we were lucky enough to not have any aggressive family members we’ve most likely had an aggressive boss at least once…and for many of us, we’ve had more than we care to count.
Those who behave aggressively on a regular basis have little ability to manage their emotions and often have a compulsion to weld power over others.
Guess what else? Those who live in that world of aggression, dominance, and bullying also lack confidence.
Too many of us have been fooled into thinking that the puffed-up guys who throw their weight around are confident. The truth is they are overcompensating for deep-seated insecurity. Inside that bully is a self-doubting child. They are neither confident nor courageous.
The Passive and Aggressive ends of this model when extreme are Child Positions as shown in the diagram below. It is only the middle road of Assertiveness that lives fully in the Adult Position. It is only that position that stands in confidence. The other two not only lack confidence but also believe themselves to be victims. The key is to find our way to the sustainable behavior of assertiveness. We will need resources and the opportunity to practice in order to refine this skill.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Every one of us has been the victim of passive-aggressive behavior. If the term is unfamiliar you certainly know the behavior. You know those times when something feels “off” with someone close to you or someone you work with, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Or maybe it’s crystal clear to you what they are doing but it’s not the kind of thing you can easily accuse them of doing “on purpose.”
Passive-aggression is a version of aggression that’s often subtle. If it happens to you in a group setting, you might be the only one who knows what just happened when:
- your co-worker takes all the credit for a project you both worked on
- your boss makes a “joke” that embarrasses you
- your supervisor present his great new idea at a staff meeting — that happens to be the exact idea you ran by him the day before
Passive-aggression is an acting-out toward someone with whom we are angry. But for whatever reason we are unwilling or unable, to be straightforward about our feelings of anger. So we engage in behavior that might be called “game-playing” or “messing with somebody.”
It’s impossible to know if the person is aware of what they are doing or if it’s an unconscious acting-out.
When the behavior comes from an individual it looks like:
- your partner gets sick the day of a dinner party they didn’t want to attend
- a family member arrives late to your special awards dinner
- you get the cold shoulder from your friend at work after you got the promotion you were both up for
Sound familiar? Have you engaged in this type of behavior yourself? Or are you able to be direct and express your anger or hurt when you feel it?
We all struggle with this one. Read more about passive-aggression and other fun manifestations of anger in my piece on Conscious Anger.
The Inevitable First-Time Overcompensation
Newbies trying out assertiveness skills for the first time will often (though unintentionally) swing their emotional pendulum into the realm of aggression when they make an effort to stand up for themselves.
For a passive person who is first experimenting with assertiveness, they’re starting from a place of inaction.
The challenge is to get something moving that is not accustomed to being in motion. The only reference is likely what we’ve seen too often that moves things — aggressive action.
We’ve decided to be less of a doormat, or we decide we want to feel more empowered or less inferior in our friendships, partnerships, or working relationships. But when we first speak up, stand up, or state an opinion that we never stated before, often the only way to muster the courage to go through with it is to come on strong. (I know this from first-hand experience a few decades ago)
To muster the courage for speaking up, or setting a limit we need a running start — it’s the only way we can be sure that we’ll take the leap.
So we rev up, start running and take the leap. We are shaking inside because we are fearful in this new territory, but we do it. We say what we need to say.
Our friend, partner or co-worker, isn’t prepared for our new behavior and our proclamation might be intense. It seems to come out of nowhere…because it does. We come on strong and the person we are communicating with might be taken aback. They might even get angry or feel hurt.
But that’s okay. Just be prepared to apologize for your delivery if necessary. Depending on who it is, consider being honest and explaining that you aren’t good at standing up for yourself or stating your preferences. Tell them you are testing out this new behavior and that you are sorry if you came on too strong or offended them. Tell them you expect to improve once you have more practice speaking assertively.
Assertiveness is Liberating and Gives You Choice
Being assertive does not necessarily mean that you always speak your mind about every single thing. But increasing your assertiveness skills does mean having more choice. You have choice because you are not on auto-pilot operating from your default mode of passivity or locked into your knee-jerk aggression.
Becoming assertive is your true freedom.
You can choose to take it slow as you dip your toes into this new experience. You can practice your new assertiveness skills in various formats.
Written messages are an excellent way to practice clean and clear communication. The NVC model explained below is perfect for this.
Assertiveness and The Nonviolent Communication Model (NVC)
The Nonviolent Communication model developed by Marshall Rosenberg is a powerful process that will not only increase your assertiveness skills but will give you the opportunity to practice those skills.
There is a brilliance to the NVC model that makes it effective as a communication tool as well as a tool for rebuilding and healing relationships.
Simply by using the NVC model, you’ll also improve the relational skills of self-awareness, deep listening, good boundaries, and emotional self-management. NVC messaging always leads with empathy and is built on the foundation of compassion. Because of that it naturally resolves small conflicts and builds confidence.
A great place to start is with Marshal Rosenberg’s world-renowned book Nonviolent Communication:
I’m not an NVC expert but I recently had a profound experience with it. I used the model for a situation that had triggered a significant amount of anger in me. When I crafted my message using the four steps and expressed myself to the appropriate people (which I did by email), I was surprised by the responses and astonished by the final outcome.
The first response I received was a bit harsh (and likely not a coincidence that it was sent to me only, and not “reply all” like the others).
But as I received additional responses (including one in person the next day) I was not only uplifted by their acknowledgment and warm responses but my original feelings of agitation were quickly neutralized.
I was astounded when I realized that not only had my anger dissolved but it did so before the process was complete — before the request I had made was carried out. But here’s the kicker — once my irritation subsided it no longer mattered to me if the group remembered to carry out my request.
I unexpectedly found myself in a peaceful place where I felt complete.
As I reflected on why this happened, I concluded that there were two reasons. First, there was a catharsis that I experienced simply from carefully crafting a clear non-blaming message.
And secondly, the “cleanness” and completeness of the NVC message made it easy for others to receive and therefore respond positively. Five out of the six responses touched me significantly. Being emotionally touched in that way helped me feel more connected to those people and my heart opened.
What I learned was that a message free of judgment or blame allows the recipient to fully hear what is being communicated. When there is no accusation, there’s no provocation and therefore no reactive response and the recipient is more likely to feel empathy and offer a warm response.
In summary, an NVC message has the potential to neutralize the emotional triggers of both parties.
What makes the model pure perfection is its vibrant maturity. Even though its foundation is compassion and empathy, it doesn't require either party to make a sacrifice for the needs of the other. You won’t find one ounce of codependency in the NVC model.
Here’s the NVC model’s four-step process. It’s great for all communication formats but especially for written messages:
- Observation (the concrete action that affected your wellbeing)
- Feelings (how you feel in relation to what you observed)
- Needs (the needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating your feelings)
- Request (the concrete actions you request in order to enrich your life)
It seems simple at a glance but it’s not easy to get the hang of it. As explained above the key is to not include your interpretations —which is almost impossible without guidance and practice. But when we learn to make the distinction between thoughts and feelings, and we craft a message that is free of conjecture and deliver it calmly…something magical happens.
To learn the NVC model read Rosenberg’s world-renowned book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, originally published in 1999, the 3rd edition was published in 2015.
Or watch videos of Marshall teaching an NVC Workshop.
Our Assertiveness May Not Always Be Well Received
When we become more assertive it almost always improves our relationships but the change in our behavior will change the relational dynamics with people in our lives. Even though we will deal with our anger more effectively and respectfully, it can be awkward at first and may take time for all involved to adjust to the change.
Some people in your life may not be comfortable with your new-found confidence and self-expression. They may prefer your passivity. But don’t slink away. Don’t slide back to your static self.
How Can You Learn This Superpower of Assertiveness?
Most of us have not had opportunities to learn assertiveness skills and we don’t know where to start. Don’t fret. Keep reading.
Because of its importance, I’m committed to helping people experience the profound power of assertiveness.
Ramp-up Your Relationships by Increasing your Assertiveness Skills
Get Help Immediately by Reading My Skills-Building Articles:
- Personal Boundaries (also covers assertiveness, codependency, and power dynamics)
- Conscious Anger: Understanding the Mystery Emotion (also covers boundaries, and self-awareness)
- Conflict Resolution (covers listening skills, assertiveness, self-awareness, and anger, as well as process and procedures)
- Ending Adult Bullying in Organizations (also covers assertiveness, self-awareness, and boundaries)
Or get on the fast track with a Skills Coach who can help you:
- Learn assertiveness skills to express yourself effectively
- Receive regular coaching to refine your assertiveness skills
- Strengthen your personal boundaries to improve assertiveness
- Gain self-awareness as you practice assertiveness skills
- Understand & manage your triggers when you become more assertive
- Learn to resolve and experience fewer conflicts by being assertive
Assertiveness Skills Are the Key to an Effective Life.
Don’t wait.
Give yourself the gift of learning assertiveness, and it will also be a gift to those close to you at work and at home.
